• Start Here
  • Blog
  • Books
  • Table
    • Together at the Table
    • Food and Such
      • Beverages
      • Bread
      • Breakfast
      • Main Dishes
      • Vegetables & Sides
      • Soups
      • Desserts
  • Writing
    • On Family
  • Happy Designs
  • Connect
    • For You
    • Instagram
    • Pinterest
    • Twitter

Happy Go Stuckey

Tethering Grace & Togetherness

Chicken & Rice and Post-Partum Depression

October 27, 2014 by HappyGoStuckey 23 Comments

I sat on my couch in my trusty yoga pants and held the five-day old answer to so many prayers. She was perfect and pink and I loved her more every minute. I felt so happy. A strange sort of happy that I was almost sure felt almost…sad. That is about the time I felt the cold fingers of post-partum depression grip my happy fairytale.

A spindly weed in my garden of happy and it seemed to have very deep roots.

PPD-2

The clouds came every afternoon and brought with them the unexplained tears. I explained away my feelings as normal and hormonal. My limited knowledge of Post-partum depression involved angry mothers doing unspeakable things in their pain. I was not that. I was happy to be a Mom. But the sinking softball in my stomach remained.

Seasoned parents shared with me the swaddle blankets to wrap my babe in and the proper football hold– but no one told me this could happen. No one told me I could have a perfect daughter and a husband I loved and all my dreams coming true.. and feel grief. Unexplained grief, sure. Grief with no path, but grief all the same, with its hollow stomached, heavy-chest inducing nausea. When the waves came, every breath felt laborious and smiling often took more energy than making the bed.

I had never heard a single word about how good, Jesus-loving- Mamas could be miserable for no good reason, except that they just are for a time. I never knew that I could want every bit of what I had and still feel completely lost in my new motherly skin. I looked in the mirror and saw someone else, almost literally someone else behind hollow eyes brimming with salty confusion. I just knew that I had failed somewhere along the way. I blamed my lack of faith and gratefulness. Because isn’t that what we do sometimes? Instead of dealing with our pain and getting help, we hang it all up on our guilt and suffer alone. In silence. We assume we are alone, and so we remain that way. 

After several days of this sad carousel with no exit, I heard footsteps on loose gravel and a soft rap on our door. Lance covered the steps of that little apartment in long, easy strides. He swung open the door to reveal my other best friend. She stepped over the welcome mat and pulled the sunshine in with her like a bunch of balloons.

My friend smiled at me like only one who knows your weepy insides can and crossed to the tiny kitchen to set down her trademark items of perfect Iced Tea, Chicken and Rice, and Chocolate Chip Cookies. I cried again, but this time from that place which holds the relief of being deeply known and loved in spite of runny faces and mismatched socks.

We shared our plates cross-legged on the comfy couch. Green eyes looked into my own weepy brown lashes as she told me I was not crazy.  In the quiet between bites, we laughed to hear soft snoring coming from the Moses basket. By the time our plates were empty, life felt a little more survivable. Brighter. Every deep breath brought me closer to being able to laugh.

And — almost seven years later, I simply cannot eat chicken and rice without remembering that night.
She showed up at my lowest, my poorest of spirit— and offered me a plate of warm comfort and acceptance with a side of hope— Being loved right where I was helped me take a small step towards healing and wholeness. Though my friend had not yet walked down that particular road, she left her own path to come walk alongside me for awhile, and it made all the difference. She did not understand my grief any more than I did, but she understood my need to be known and loved.

Yes, food is one of our most basic needs, but the need to feed our soul with the table comfort of those we love—- is every bit as vital for life and life abundant.

Because rarely, if ever— is it just food. Especially when it is served with a long warm hug and a glass of “You’re going to be ok.”

When a new season finally cracked through the clouds, I recognized that I did not arrive at wholeness over night. One casserole brought by one lovely friend did not remove the season of hard. But it helped. My seasons with PPD came with both of my girls. They were each different and brief, though they did not seem it at the time. Looking back, I know that I needed many things, and being loved closely by those who wished they could remove my pain was at the top of the list.

If you are struggling with unexplained sadness or emotional confusion during the beautiful, bleary-eyed early days of motherhood, can I just tell you as she told me– You are not crazy. You are not alone and you will come out of this. But please friend? Do not suffer alone. Find your people and tell them you’re struggling. 

 

Enjoy (#Write31Days)
Living Free. (#Write31Days)

Comments

  1. catherine says

    October 27, 2014 at 4:42 pm

    What touching and beautiful words. Thanks for sharing your heart!

    Reply
    • happygostuckey says

      October 27, 2014 at 5:01 pm

      Thank you Catherine. Hoping my sharing will help someone along the way who feels alone in this. <3

      Reply
  2. Amber says

    October 27, 2014 at 8:26 pm

    I agree wholeheartedly. I did feel this with my son but my daughter (2nd child) was a whole different story. Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
  3. Amber says

    October 27, 2014 at 8:26 pm

    I agree wholeheartedly. I did feel this with my son but my daughter (2nd child) was a whole different story. Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
  4. Courtney says

    October 28, 2014 at 9:45 am

    So appreciate your honesty in sharing about post-partum depression. And thanks for pointing the way to how we can love those in our lives who struggle!

    Reply
  5. Courtney says

    October 28, 2014 at 9:45 am

    So appreciate your honesty in sharing about post-partum depression. And thanks for pointing the way to how we can love those in our lives who struggle!

    Reply
  6. Shelly Richardson says

    October 28, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    Love your honesty in this post. I am thankful I got to hear you read this at the Allume open mic party. Your words bring beauty to the hard postpartum.

    Reply
  7. Shelly Richardson says

    October 28, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    Love your honesty in this post. I am thankful I got to hear you read this at the Allume open mic party. Your words bring beauty to the hard postpartum.

    Reply
  8. Shelly Richardson says

    October 28, 2014 at 12:46 pm

    Love your honesty! I am thankful I had the privilege to hear you read this post at the Allume open mic party. You bring beauty with words to the darkness of postpartum.

    Reply
    • happygostuckey says

      October 30, 2014 at 4:17 pm

      Thank you Shelly. I hope these words have encouraged a mama or two– I love what you said about it being darkness. It does feel dark when you’re in the midst of it. But enduring that definitely gave me a tiny window of understanding into what others may sometimes face with other types of depression. I’m thankful for that small bit of insight that this gave me.

      Reply
  9. Shelly Richardson says

    October 28, 2014 at 12:46 pm

    Love your honesty! I am thankful I had the privilege to hear you read this post at the Allume open mic party. You bring beauty with words to the darkness of postpartum.

    Reply
    • happygostuckey says

      October 30, 2014 at 4:17 pm

      Thank you Shelly. I hope these words have encouraged a mama or two– I love what you said about it being darkness. It does feel dark when you’re in the midst of it. But enduring that definitely gave me a tiny window of understanding into what others may sometimes face with other types of depression. I’m thankful for that small bit of insight that this gave me.

      Reply
  10. Meredith Bernard says

    October 28, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    Oh, how I love this and how I love you, Cynthia. Your spirit is infectious (especially now that I’ve met you in person.) This line is so beautiful to me, “Though my friend had never walked down that particular road, she left her own path to come walk alongside me for awhile, and it made all the difference.” Isn’t that what friendship is all about? Walking alongside no matter what. Sometimes we can’t relate, but we can be there, and that’s all that matters. Love this!! And I see I missed this at Open Mic and now I’m so sad I didn’t make myself go down there and listen. 🙁 Now I’m sad. I’m sure it was beautiful. Love you girl! xoxo

    Reply
    • happygostuckey says

      October 30, 2014 at 4:14 pm

      You are a delight, friend! And I’m really glad we had the chance to share a meal together– hope we can see each other again soon! I’m so proud of you and your writing this month. Your #Write31Days series was no doubt a difficult one to write, but you have done a beautiful job. Glad to know you, M!

      Reply
  11. Meredith Bernard says

    October 28, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    Oh, how I love this and how I love you, Cynthia. Your spirit is infectious (especially now that I’ve met you in person.) This line is so beautiful to me, “Though my friend had never walked down that particular road, she left her own path to come walk alongside me for awhile, and it made all the difference.” Isn’t that what friendship is all about? Walking alongside no matter what. Sometimes we can’t relate, but we can be there, and that’s all that matters. Love this!! And I see I missed this at Open Mic and now I’m so sad I didn’t make myself go down there and listen. 🙁 Now I’m sad. I’m sure it was beautiful. Love you girl! xoxo

    Reply
    • happygostuckey says

      October 30, 2014 at 4:14 pm

      You are a delight, friend! And I’m really glad we had the chance to share a meal together– hope we can see each other again soon! I’m so proud of you and your writing this month. Your #Write31Days series was no doubt a difficult one to write, but you have done a beautiful job. Glad to know you, M!

      Reply
  12. happygostuckey says

    October 30, 2014 at 4:17 pm

    So happy you are too. And that you were and are my “chicken and rice bringer.” <3

    Reply
  13. happygostuckey says

    October 30, 2014 at 4:17 pm

    So happy you are too. And that you were and are my “chicken and rice bringer.” <3

    Reply
  14. Elaine says

    November 4, 2014 at 5:09 pm

    Thank you for sharing your heart. It is comforting to know others have walked the same path in motherhood. And chicken & rice has a special place in my heart too.

    Reply
  15. Elaine says

    November 4, 2014 at 5:09 pm

    Thank you for sharing your heart. It is comforting to know others have walked the same path in motherhood. And chicken & rice has a special place in my heart too.

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. 31 Days of Writing Free in October | Happy Go Stuckey says:
    October 27, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    […] 26. Chicken & Rice and Postpartum Depression […]

    Reply
  2. 31 Days of Writing Free in October | Happy Go Stuckey says:
    October 27, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    […] 26. Chicken & Rice and Postpartum Depression […]

    Reply

Leave a Reply to happygostuckey Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Subscribe and receive a Free copy of “Simmer: Six soup recipes and the Stories that Inspired Them.”

Your personal information is safe and will never be shared.

Hey There!

I'm Cynthia and I'm so glad you're here. I am an introvert with an extrovert's love of gathering people together. I love good books and capturing moments. Whether you visit me here or on my own front porch, I'll be the one holding the Iced Coffee for us both.

Instagram

happygostuckey

Some of the rhythms we took up in ‘20 we will co Some of the rhythms we took up in ‘20 we will continue to sigh into in ‘21.
Baking sourdough, watching it bubble and rise and fill our BlueHouse with the scent of a good, long, posture of patience— I absolutely need a second serving of this.
While we wait, and whatever it is that we wait for— may the space between be made sweeter by the knowledge that we never wait alone.
You can’t tell by their joy, but the day I snapp You can’t tell by their joy, but the day I snapped this photo was somewhat of a regular day.

What looks like a winter beach vacation was actually the tail-end of a masked lunch stop in the middle of a pandemic road trip.

This sparkling moment of sun-splashed fun was sandwiched between brutal conversations about regular life, especially the hard parts.

And this is how it is. 
These bits of life that we never see coming, they are enveloped between all that makes us tired, weary, sighing pilgrims in a world that was never really meant to be hospitable in the first place.

This photo reminds me to look again at our year, our season, our circumstances.

To look a second and third time.
To keep looking as long as it takes to see that the joy of our right now isn’t gone, it just might be hiding in the shadow of all that’s hard.

Brokenness is never vague. And we don’t have to search very long to see it both within ourselves and around us.
Sometimes the weight of that fact is crushing.
And then, sometimes it reminds us even more clearly of the light shining in darkness.

Joy is an act of defiance against despair and I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling rather defiant at the moment.✨✨✨✨

@hopewriters #hopewriterlife 
#feastingandforaging #hopelenses #getaftergrateful
Endurance can feel like standing still. Especially Endurance can feel like standing still. Especially if what we’re called to be about is the same as yesterday and last month. 
It’s difficult to meet each day with the same fervor and joy for what we are called to do, especially when at present, the progress seems small and immeasurable. 
But even then, perhaps especially so — our faithfulness matters.

When we cannot yet see the other side, the light at the end of this particularly long tunnel, we begin again.

Not because we will always wake with fresh energies and bright, sparkling hope for what comes next, friend. But because the God of Endurance (Romans 15:5) dwells within us.

“It is the grace of endurance granted to you by the God of endurance that provides you with everything you need to continue to be what he calls you to be and do what he calls you to do between this moment and the moment when you cross over to the other side. When difficulty exposes the weakness of your resolve and the limits of your strength, you do not have to panic, because He will endure even in this moments when you don’t feel able to do so yourself.” — Paul David Tripp, New Morning Mercies

#hopewriterlife
Stuckey, party of two. Always ready to run out for Stuckey, party of two. Always ready to run out for paper towels... especially if the store is in convenient proximity to a quick date for croissants and dirty chai for two. Love my forever coffee companion even more at the start of this new year. Wherever he’s going, I’m riding shotgun.
We have learned... The inestimable value of a goo We have learned...

The inestimable value of a good camp chair, for they have been used for everything from soccer benches and coffee dates to theatre seats and church pews.

What our neighborhood streets can offer in the way of an outing—from the colors of spring to the sparkle of Christmas.

To hold plans with the loosest hands possible.

To rejoice in things found. Time. Margin. ...and enough toilet paper to share with a neighbor.

To give grace and accept it for ourselves.

The hilarious joy of a group text complete with “have you seen this meme yet?” 

To pivot. And then pivot again.

To find more joy in candlelight closer to home, instead of the bright lights of traveled cities.

To perfect our pizza dough recipe and truly learn to prefer it over dinner out.

To work with yeast and flour again and again— until the message of waiting for something really good dusted our apron fronts and kitchen floors.

And in our house, we learned how to be unexpectedly unemployed. We learned how to honor that new found space with needed grief and desired hope. How to be grateful for true friends who prayed with us, held questions with us, and hoped with us. We were reminded of our true identity and that it will never rest in a job. 

In a year in which we’ve all lost quite a lot, you and I have been given so much as well. Some of what we’ve lost we have learned to be without. Some, we won’t go looking for again.

In 525,600 minutes and in all the things, found and lost and found again— there is far and away more to be grateful for.

And we choose joy.

✨Happy New Year, dear friends!✨
Not rushing too quickly into a new year over here. Not rushing too quickly into a new year over here. Though the one in our rear view window is one we wouldn’t choose to repeat, still it was one full of God’s nearness.

One day I’ll write it all down.
But for now I’ll just say,
we were not alone. 🕯
“Once in our world, a Stable had something in it “Once in our world, a Stable had something in it that was bigger than our whole world.”
C.S.Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia

Joy to the World, friends.
Behold. The most apropos Christmas Eve 2020 desser Behold. The most apropos Christmas Eve 2020 dessert ever. Made from a wonky gingerbread cake that did not cooperate.
We shall not go quietly into 2021.
We will fight back with beauty and joy and candles... and fresh whipped cream made by an eleven year old with sparkly green eyes. 🎄❤️✨
Merry Christmas from the Fam! { 👉🏻 swipe for Merry Christmas from the Fam! { 👉🏻 swipe for Stuckeys in their natural habitat.) 🎄🕯❤️✨
Load More... Follow on Instagram

Categories

Featured Posts

On Waiting & Moving

(And a Recipe for Italian Tortellini Soup) Later this month, our family will celebrate the 10th … [ Read More ]

Five Good Things

Hi. How are you, really? If you're anything like me-- you have moments of complete gratefulness for … [ Read More ]

Winter Favorites

(and why it matters to pay attention to the little things.) "For you are the sunshine-maker in … [ Read More ]

Loving Lately in November

"...all creation's revealing his majesty. We're invited to join with all nature in manifold witness … [ Read More ]

Feasting & Foraging (free for the weekend!) 🍊🌿

I wrote a book, called Feasting & Foraging, and I would like to tell you why. About a year … [ Read More ]

Miss Something?

Please be kind and give proper credit if you share! © Cynthia M. Stuckey. For personal use only, not to be copied, distributed, altered or sold.

Privacy Policy

Full privacy policy may be found HERE.

Want each post to magically appear in your email box?

Your personal information is safe and will never be shared.

Cynthia@happygostuckey.com
xo Cynthia
  • Start Here
  • Blog
  • Books
  • Table
  • Writing
  • Happy Designs
  • Connect

© 2021 · Pretty Creative WordPress Theme by, Pretty Darn Cute Design