For Those of Us Trying Not to Make It Worse.

I’ve told you before that I’m a slow processor. But I wonder now– are you that way as well?
Do you take weeks and months to sift through big events, huge feelings, meaningful changes?

Because I’ve always felt it was okay to sift slowly– to watch the world happen around me, to stop and hear what’s going on inside me. I need to listen long before I speak up– but lately I’m not at all sure that I’m doing anything but listening.

Perhaps I don’t always share my thoughts with you– because the things are too big and I’m not sure of  what I think just yet or how I can even begin to help.
I’m often worried I might be another voice that doesn’t really help.

Maybe I’m holding back too often. Maybe I’m sinking so deeply as I wrestle that I never bring those things back into the light with you. Maybe we could do a lot with those hard things if we would bring them out together. I’m more often worried that my interpretation of the world around me, might sting deeply as you grapple with the (quite different) world around you.

Because if we’re being honest, You and I– my goal is always grace.

My point is always hope, hope, hope– like a quiet metronome in the subtext of each paragraph–
Hope. Hope. Hope.
It whispers to me as I tread the rough waters of yet another day of watching people pillage one another’s peace. My head spins as I see lines being drawn, and then drawn, and drawn again– circles getting smaller and smaller.

I need the hope in this space, and I need it as I go out from here. I need the seemingly elusive balance of real love and actual truth. And, I need the biggest dose of humility drenched over top like hot fudge on ice cream.

But I know it isn’t this simple. I know this is where the water gets choppy. If we have any hope of living our hope in front of the world– we have to be able to talk about the hard things once in awhile. The things that threaten to steal away what we know as truth.

So I need you to know, that my silence isn’t always golden. Sometimes it’s fear of making things worse. But I think we need to keep trying.

After all, it is hard to share hope without the whole story, isn’t it?
And the whole story is where it gets really good.

 

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