What I Need More than More Time.

I have moleskin notebooks in pretty pastels, pages and pages of lines of possibility. I have pens that run smooth and my favorite highlighter.

I have a pretty zip up case for my trusty “Mactop” that keeps it happy and safe.
I have books. Wow. Do I have books.
I have spiritual books on writing, practical books on writing, creative journals on writing, and books on writing about specific topics. And then there are the books that I read to keep me thinking so I can write.
I have my treasured people at Hope*Writers with the community and helps it offers.
Resources and tools? I got ’em.

I have absolutely every single thing I need to put my little self in the chair and make my fingers do the work.
Except time.

I rarely feel like I have enough time.
The stop and start of being a mama keeps me hopping from first light to goodnight. With something filling every sliver of every hour of the day, it’s tempting to be frustrated. The days meld into one another and there my books sit unopened and the moleskins are still quite empty because, time. Who has it? 

But I’m sitting here now with a little block of this treasured commodity, time- with my self glued to chair and my Grande London Fog to keep me warm and gently caffeinated– and I know this to be true– all of this may never change.

Because having our lives full of people to love and care for means that they will also be FULL to the very hemline with the fabric of life together. We are always doing something. Caring for someone, planning for next fall and also tomorrow, thawing out chicken, getting the band-aids, letting the dog out, keeping the love tanks and the water-bottles full, helping find the shoe for the doll who can’t seem to keep both shoes on at the same time while trying to keep anyone at all from seeing the hall bathroom facilities as a potable water source. It’s a lot. You know. I know you know.

But in all of this, I know I want it all. At once. Every last bit. I want do what I can with the time that I have. Can I be honest? It has been nothing short of hard this school year to be the homeschooling mom and the writer mom. But, that, my friends– is life.

This very full (of good things) life gives me both joy and tension. Both are crucial for this fertile ground that grows lessons in my own heart and more words on the page.. together, during the very same seasons. I need this lesson, this reminder– and maybe you do too.

That regardless of what you and I are trying to build, what we’re hoping to fulfill, what crazy ideas we think we can accomplish on our time table— the equation rarely adds up without three things.

1. Discipline. The pesky helpful thing that causes me to get up when I want to sleep, open notebooks when I want to open Netflix and keep my rear in the chair when I suddenly remember that closet I wanted to clean out. ( This helps.)
2. Patience. The knowledge that I will not have the free time of someone in a different stage of life or parenting. I might have a microscopic window a few days a week, but I can USE what I have– and be patient that God and His timetable are the main long-range planning tools I really need right now.
3. Surrender. This one is the hardest for me. I daily struggle with dying to my self and my schedule. The helpful, necessary rhythms we have in place can very quickly become a favorite idol if I don’t hold them with open hands.

From the very first alarm to the lamp out on my nightstand– I need to know this one thing about my never having enough time–

“Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.”  — Psalm 127:1