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In parenting little ones, it’s tempting to fly through the days, weeks and months so quickly that we completely miss the “stages” our children are in until they are past. Surely, there are stages which we enjoy more than others. But sometimes, the stage which we just abandoned hurts. Not really in a “My baby is growing up,” kind of a way– but in a “Hey, this affects me and my comfort personally!”

Up until a few months ago, I found myself with two children who DAILY took long simultaneous afternoon naps. The house was so quiet, I found myself whispering if someone called on the phone. Most days, after getting them down, I would involuntarily sigh, big time. This time was MY TIME. It was more than refreshing. It was life-giving. It was the time when I was able to do whatever needed to be done, laundry, cleaning etc.and just be still for awhile.

This time became so precious to me, that I knew it was a little bit of an idol. I would secretly be SO frustrated if they woke up early that it would throw my entire afternoon off. Well, God in His infinite patience, began to make me aware of how closely, religiously rather, I was guarding the “ME” time and how it might be a problem for me. Around that time, Lucy began to have real trouble going to sleep at night and after a while of trying to address other things that it might be, it became clear that she needed to drop her nap. Inside I fought that so hard. I was so afraid of what would happen to my sanity level if I had to do without my brief of solace of quiet.

My own selfishness was preventing me from seeing what my daughter really needed and I was holding onto something that she didn’t need anymore because I thought I needed it.

What I truly needed was to let go a little bit. To surrender the control that we moms (and non-moms for that matter) crave so ferociously. Whether or not we admit it, we all desire some control over our “mothering.” Maybe it’s the kind of milk we give them. Maybe it’s other things. Maybe it’s the all mighty “schedule” which we fought hard to train them on and now do NOT want to relinquish.

Can I just be honest and speak a word of testimony on this topic? This may sound dramatic, but we are three months post-regular-naps… and I am okay. We are all okay. Even though we don’t get that regular 2 hour block every single day, we do still have “rest time” and though it’s abbreviated and not at all as regular, we do have some type of system.

Most importantly, when I stopped clenching my fists around this area of her life, I was able to have my eyes opened to what she really needed. More time. More time to be with me. More time to feel that one- on- one attention. More time to just be a big kid. She’s struggled a bit since going back to school, not with school itself but just being away. This has made that so much better.

Now every single afternoon, we put baby sister down for her nap and we spend time together. We play for a little while, or she helps me do things around the house. We always watch Pioneer Woman together. She has a snack and we watch the wonderful Ree cook something yummy. It’s in those moments, nearly every single day that she cuddles up next to me and says, “mommy, I LUD (love) you.” And then most days she says, “I love this big girl time.”

Over the course of the last few weeks, it has been quite clear to me that though naps are WONDERFUL and I wouldn’t mind a bit if she occasionally wanted one, she needed this more. What she needed was a mommy who wasn’t afraid of embracing her growing up. An imperfect mother who wasn’t afraid to open her white knuckled fists on one stage, in order to be able to grasp another, more fulfilling one of really relishing time with my big girl.

Sometimes we think we are holding onto something that we MUST have. And in all actuality, what we MUST have is a spirit of flexibility and optimism at the future. I wouldn’t have known this before, but my time of uninterrupted quiet was simply NOT worth more than the blessings of knowing she is being loved on in the way she needs.

God is good, all the time. And His grace sustains– certainly for the often stretched and slightly worn out mom.

(This post is not an announcement of any kind. I’m reflecting on motherhood. Don’t worry mom- I wouldn’t tell you like this!) 

One moment you realize you don’t feel so good. Then you realize you haven’t felt “so good” in several days. Hmm.. come to think of it, you’ve been a little extra tired lately. Strange. Coffee doesn’t taste all that great either. Actually, nothing does.

A short while later– a drugstore purchase, a quick trip to the bathroom and then a few minutes of waiting and then… GASP.

Pregnant the test says, Buckle Up for the Wildest Ride of Your Life, it should have said. You’ll never be the same again and you won’t want to be, it could have said. I guess “Pregnant” takes up less room.

From that moment on, you become intimately acquainted with both the unbelievable blessing and the regular sacrifice of being a parent. From the early days of constant nausea to the later days of packing 18 lbs. of gear just for a quick trip to the store, you realize that what that sweet person said was true, “You’ll never realize how selfish you are until you become a parent!” 

Some of the sacrifices are big, and obvious… like the way you are no longer able to finish anything. Finish a meal. Finish getting ready. Finish a conversation. Finish a chapter. Finish a thought. You die to your former way of living always just as a couple, in order that you might live a new life as a family. The newness brings CHANGE. It brings discomfort. It brings sacrifice. But it brings SO MUCH BLESSING.

Some days in the midst of a time when things have been particular crazy, or when it feels like He and I haven’t had enough “us” time– I have found myself almost a bit “nostalgic” for earlier days. An older photo of us will catch my eye and I’ll stop and remember what it was like to be “Lance and Cindy” for a minute or two.                                                                                                                                                       (Now before you get all upset and think I’m ungrateful for my amazing kiddos– hold on, I didn’t say I was proud of it!  just keeping it real!)

Thankfully, almost immediately, God shakes me of this mental mourning days past as I look around at all that surrounds us. Baby Dolls in strollers. Goldfish. Princess Sippy Cups. Dress-up Shoes. Well-Loved Board Books. Hairbows. More Hairbows. Little girls rolling around on the floor together, one minute hugging– the next minute pulling hair. Little evidences of these cherished gifts we have been given.

More importantly, the SOUNDS that surround us wake me from this irreverent hyper-nostalgia. The giggles. The chatter. The sounds of Little People being walked across the playroom floor. Tiny feet running from across the room, just to hug. The singing. Yes, even the squabbling. 

I know that to some it seems crazy. I’ve seen their looks as we slowly move through Target, stopping again to pick up the last thing that Abby has chucked over the side of the cart. But they have no idea– that I really would never go back. I would never trade what I have for the life I used to. The daily gifts of being mother to these precious lives infinitely outweigh what little freedoms or sometimes even elements of pride I “give up.”

The word SACRIFICE means to die. The OED defines it as, To surrender or give up (something) for the attainment of some higher advantage or dearer object. And then also, the surrender of something valued or desired for the sake of something having a higher value.  My children. My family. Our opportunity to glorify God is that higher value. They are that “dearer object.” and there is NO sacrifice too great.

So on those days when you feel like you just. cannot. function. with. any. amount. of. generosity. When you feel poured out and empty and have nothing to give to anyone at all. When you feel like you just NEED A MINUTE ALONE. Take that minute (or two.) and ask for help. Ask for remembrance of what gifts these little “mess makers” truly are. Ask for strength. Ask for God to love them through you. Ask for HIS peace.

For on any given day, no matter how poured out we feel, He knows. He not only knows, He has felt way beyond our deepest feelings of exhaustion and sacrifice. And He is enough, friend. His grace is enough. In our exhaustion, we lean hard on Him and find REST in ABUNDANCE. 

 ^“And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)